On November 26th of this year, my brother left to begin his LDS mission, but before I get into what has been on my mind concerning this life event, I feel I should give a little background on this particular brother:
Under her emotional duress, she was convinced that my brother would be a criminal for the rest of his life. Needless to say, he's never had a run in with the cops since and is in no way near being a repeat offender. But perhaps my parents biggest concern was that around the time my brother turned 19 he wasn't showing any interest in serving a mission. This can be seriously detrimental to some young men who remain in the LDS community for the rest of their lives. Young, marriageable women, look almost exclusively for men who have served a mission. It's usually one of the first questions that is asked upon a first meeting. If a young man responds that he didn't serve a mission, a black stain appears that will dull whatever other amazing qualities that young man probably has. He will forever be thought of as less of a church member and less of a priesthood holder if he chooses not to go on a mission. That's not to say that he would never hold higher offices in the church, it's just that moment when someone assumes a person has done this "great" thing and then discovers that they didn't that follows that young man around for the rest of his life. Raising a stalwart priesthood holder shines brightly on the parents as well.
So there my brother was, 19 years old and not gung ho about serving a mission. What could my parents do? Not a lot, as it turns out. They aren't the type to threaten to kick a child out of the house or to disown an individual for not making the same choices that they did as teenagers and young adults, and my brother isn't usually pressured by others to do things that he doesn't want to do. So he didn't go. For a year and half he focused on earning his associates degree and working. At the time, I was still involved with the Church. I was going consistently, but that's about all I was doing. I was one of the few family members that actually thought he was making a good decision by fully earning an Associates degree rather than starting school and then placing it on hold for two years. So many of my friends went that route and are still trying (after being home from their missions for 5 years) to graduate from college. Normally this wouldn't necessarily be an inconvenient thing, but when you're trying to go to school, hold a low paying job because you don't have a degree, and are raising a very young family, the strain can be detrimental.
But then something changed my brother's mind. I can't say what it was exactly, but my guess is that since he had finally earned his associate's degree he no longer felt like he had a viable excuse to remain home, and the pressure to do something "meaningful" with his life eventually won out. It's preached quite often over the pulpit in the Mormon church that the only way to lead a truly happy and fulfilling life is if you follow God's commandments and Church doctrine, implying, in my brother's case, that the only way he would be happy and successful later in life is if he made the decision to serve a mission.
When I was about 22 years old, I was in much the same boat. I was going to school still because I couldn't settle on a major and I wasn't really dating anyone consistently. You might be thinking, well there's a lot more to life that school and dating, but you have to understand that in the Mormon culture, especially for women, you're taught to get your education until you get married. In order to get married, you're supposed to go on lots of dates. Mostly my parents just felt like I was kind of wandering aimlessly through life and that feeling transferred to me. Forget the fact that I had spent some time in England or lived in Florida for a summer working at Disney World (all great life experiences). But I still felt unaccomplished and was verging on being a failure in my own eyes. I was 22! Anyway, my parents, especially my dad, encouraged me to go on a mission. So I prayed about it consistently and even started reading all the materials that aren't necessarily required to be read before you go on a mission. Lots of bishop's and stake presidents suggest reading books such as The Miracle of Forgiveness and Jesus the Christ, to "further prepare" an individual spiritually for a mission. I was about halfway through the Miracle of Forgiveness, when I decided that being a missionary was not going to work out for me. I went through this process twice in the space of about a year and a half. I'm pretty sure I disappointed my parents when I officially called the whole thing off. I had just received my papers and was in the process of working on them, but I realized, at least in this case, that my life shouldn't have to satisfy my parents, and I think that might be where Daniel and I differed as far as the mission thing is concerned.
He finally received his call in July of 2014 and then left November of 2014, and he was pissed. For one thing, he didn't want to have to wait nearly 5 months to go on this mission. He also wasn't entirely pleased with where he had been called: Los Angeles, CA: Spanish speaking. Another thing about going on a mission, is that no one (at least in the U.S) wants to be called to a U.S. mission. I think the stigma is that going to a different country, especially second world and third world countries, is concerned to be a more difficult mission, and in certain respects that is probably true, but because of this automatic assumption, all those guys that serve in the states are automatically placed on the tier below second and third world guys. My brother didn't want to learn Spanish either. His dream career at the moment is to work in the FBI, and as far as languages are concerned, Spanish speakers are not in demand. He was hoping for something oriental, I think, but now has to learn the one language that he didn't want to learn. At the time that he opened his call I was no longer going to Church and had finally confronted a lot my doubts about religion in general, so when he was called to L.A. Spanish speaking, the first thought I had was, "So much for inspired callings." If the Lord really cared about my brother, wouldn't he have "inspired" the General Authorities, or whoever decides the missions, to send him elsewhere?
For the next 5 months, I didn't really notice a huge difference in my brother. I had gotten him a job where I worked, so we were spending more time together than we had in recent years due to separate schooling and just life in general. The first time I noticed that something was changing in him was when he came to work with a missionary cut a week before he left. For a lot of soon to be missionaries, that's kind of typical, but my brother has always had a thing for bizarre haircuts, and he cuts it himself, so it never has that "professional" look. He also has these two awful cowlicks above his forehead, which have bothered him for years and which don't look great with the typical short Mormon haircut. For him to voluntarily cut his hair to fit the status quo was huge, and I had to ask him why. It boiled down to his teaching a Sunday School lesson about preparing to go on a mission, and one particular segment about "looking the part". My brother said as soon as he read that bit, he thought "How can I teach these kids that they need to look the part if I don't even look part?" And he cut his hair as soon as he finished preparing the lesson. I was dumbfounded. To a member, this would be a sign of growth, but I couldn't help thinking that my "go-his-own-way" brother was digressing and conforming.
Then, after a week of being in the Mission Training Centre, he wrote home. He sounded so different in the email, and I got this sinking feeling that I was losing my brother. He talks about studying the scriptures until midnight with his companion and waking up earlier than necessary so he can try and memorize a scripture a day. He talks about the "incredible spirit" of the sister missionaries and that he regrets not recognizing those same qualities in his three sisters and mother while he was at home. He relates a particular experience when his district decided to go out to the woods, spread out from each other to just pray and have a time for "deep reflection". He wrote:
I prayed for probably 20 minutes and just let my heart go. It was incredible and after I pulled out my hymn book and just started singing whatever hymn I wanted in Spanish. The one that sticks out to me most for sure is the Spanish version of let the holy spirit guide... it just makes me want to always have the spirit with me, and let Him take my hand and walk with me guiding me always.
I expect words like this to come out of sister's mouth, who served a mission in Africa, not my funky haired, comedian listening, R-rated movie watching brother.
In the letter that he sent this past week (his second week out) he relates that he and his companion were called to be zone leaders in his district, which he admits doesn't mean much, but that it was still "super humbling". He also discusses a few of the lessons he and his companions have taught and that one in particular was so "INCREDIBLE" that he "had so much adrenaline pumping through his veins at the end [he] couldn't sit still all day." He used to get that way about soccer and batman. Now it's teaching and Jesus.
After having thought about my feelings about this over the last few days, I've come to realize that everything my brother is doing in the MTC is exactly the same type of thing that he did before his mission. He has a few things that he is intensely passionate about and devotes his energies into making himself better as far as those interests are concerned. He's had to set soccer and batman to the side due to strict living rules, but he needs something else to channel his focus and energy into, so teaching the "Word" and following "Jesus" are what have replaced his worldly interests. It was also pointed out to me that his former interests will still be his interests when he gets back. Old habits die hard, especially when you're no longer required to live by strict rules and can return to the land of the living.
It is truly depressing to me that so much, no, everything, regarding the value of an individuals life revolves around conforming to what the Church has deemed necessary to reach ones full potential. Young men must participate in scouts, hold ,and remain worthy to hold, the priesthood, they must serve an honorable full-time mission, graduate from college, marry and become father's. Young Women must get an education as long as it doesn't interfere with marriage and having kids. Everyone needs to dress a certain way, treat people a certain way, date people a certain way, raise kids a certain way, fulfill callings a certain way, etc. There is very little room for people to truly be the individuals that they were born to be if they are expected to fit into the mold that is religion.
My hope is that my brother can grow from his mission experience as far as taking care of himself, thinking before acting and learning how others less fortunate than him live, and that he is able to realize upon his return that he doesn't have to be who the Church has prescribed him and every other young man before and after him to be.
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