The concept and importance of family is widely regarded by the LDS Church as one of the most important facets of our life on earth. This is in large part due to the belief that there is an afterlife, and more specifically, that we can remain with our families as long as individual members live according to Church doctrine. Because of this belief in an eternal existence and the potential to remain with righteous family members for eternity, a family members departure from the LDS faith is an excruciating experience for all involved. Family members still within the faith are suddenly faced with the bleak possibility that their loved one(s) will not reach the highest degree of glory and that they will never see them once death rears its ugly head. Many are convinced that the member who strayed is only going through a "phase" or they believe that with enough fasting and prayer that their loved one(s) will return to the "light". In some cases this does happen, although I wouldn't go so far as to say that the fasting and praying led them back to the Church. I've had friends who have gone through their "rebellious" stages, more or less leaving the Church for a period of time, but for a lot of these friends, they didn't leave because of doubts that they had regarding the doctrine of the Church necessarily. For many of them, they did still believe in the lessons of their youth, they were just testing the limits and experimenting, like any normal teen would do. I would attribute their return more to coming to the realization that partying, drinking, doing drugs and having lots of sex ended up causing them more grief than not doing those things, and they attribute that understanding to their religion, so they go back, and their journey becomes a wonderful story that their family members share with others who have straying children.
It's the cases like myself, my youngest sister and my boyfriend, we emotionally torment family members for the rest of our lives. Obviously there's always the hope that they might see reason and understand why it is that we've left the Church, but in a lot of cases, that doesn't end up happening.
Compared to some parents, mine are much more accepting of religious differences. They may not be overjoyed that my sister and I are thinking for ourselves, but I honestly don't believe that they would reach the point of consciously excluding us from the family. I attribute this to the fact that at least 6 of my dad's 8 siblings never joined the Church and two of my mom's siblings have slipped away over the last decade or so.
I bring all of this up because despite my parent's tolerance of my current decisions, there are still moments when the hurt that they feel regarding my lifestyle choices becomes more obvious. I've experienced a handful in the last few months, most of which come from my mom.
The first one occurred in May. I was in bed, just waking in the morning, my boyfriend at my side, when I received a text message from my mom. I don't remember everything about the conversation, but at one point I asked how she was doing and her response was more or less along the lines of, "I'm trying to be happy but the Lord is really testing me." I knew immediately what she was referring to. My sister had just come out to all the siblings that she was a lesbian and had left the church, something I know devastated my mother. So I replied with, "Is it because of [my sister]?" She didn't respond right away, and for some reason I felt compelled to add, "And me?" Her response was a simple "Yes". At this point I had yet to tell my mom that I was living with a member of the opposite sex, but we had had a discussion a few weeks prior where she asked me point blank where my testimony stood. Being the non-confrontational wuss that I am, I refused to go into a lot of specifics, but I told her I was questioning the Church.
I admit that I did not respond to my mother's affirmation that my sister and I were the source of her current trials. I honestly had no idea how to respond, and I felt awful. My mother had let mine and my sister's choices directly effect her happiness and I was doing the same thing in response.
A similar thing happened with a post on Facebook. Some depressing quote was being circulated among some of my friend's pages and my mom re-posted it to her page. Memory fails me at the moment and I can't recall exactly what it said, but I didn't respond to that post either, despite all the sympathy my mother was receiving.
There have been two far more recent experiences though that I really wanted to bring up in this post. The first one was another Facebook post. This picture was taken about week prior to one of my brother's leaving on his mission. It was a "family" trip to the temple. The comment my mom posted with this picture was simply: "Today has been lovely." For the record, I find nothing wrong with that comment. It's the lack of a comment from either her or my dad after others made comments that kind of irritated me. The comment I'm specifically referring to is "Fantastic family picture." In this picture, there are 3 out of 5 children present. We're a family of 7, not 5. To be fair, I know this particular commentator didn't mean to suggest that my sister and I are no longer part of the family. This person isn't a member herself and I'm fairly certain that my parent's have taken great pains to not reveal to anyone other than my grandpa about the departure of two of their children from the Church. I also understand that it's quite possible that my mom just didn't check her Facebook page again in order to make another comment. Another reason she may not have commented is because she honestly didn't see the discrepancy between this particular comment and the picture. Biologically all those pictured are family, but a family picture to me includes all parties. I understand that I am more than likely reading into this particular example and making a mountain out of a molehill, but I really wanted one of my parents to correct this comment and say that it wasn't a complete family picture. My immediate reaction to this picture was that I was slowly being worked out of what my parents consider to be a family.
The most recent experience occurred two and half weeks ago after my mom forwarded my brother's first mission email to the family. Also attached to the email was the initial email that my mom sent to him. She talks about preparing for a lesson that she's going to teach that Sunday to the Young Women in her ward. The subject was "How to Make Your Home More Christ Centered". She mentions two talks that she read, one from Richard G. Scott and the other from Henry B. Eyring. She pulled the following quote from Scott's talk:
I have learned a truth that has been repeated so frequently in my life that I have come to know it as an absolute law. It defines the way obedience and service relate to the power of God. When we obey the commandments of the Lord and serve His children unselfishly, the natural consequence is power from God-power to do more than we can do by ourselves. Our insights, our talents, our abilities are expanded because we receive strength and power from the Lord.
My mom said this in response: I want you to know I firmly believe this truth!! Obedience and service are the way to strength and peace and a power beyond our own to be in our lives.
She then goes on to quote more from Scott: I offer some final thoughts for those who love a family member who is not making good choices. That can challenge our patience and endurance. We need to trust in the Lord and in His timing that a positive response to our prayers and rescue efforts can occur. We do all that we can to serve, to bless, and to submissively acknowledge God's will in all things. We exercise faith and remember that there are some things that must be left to the Lord. He invites us to set our burdens down at His feet. With faith we can know that this straying loved one is not abandoned but is in the watchcare of a loving Savior.
Can you see where this is going? My mom's response was as follows: It is easy to say I believe these things, but living them has truly challenged my endurance. Trusting in the Lord's timing is trying for me, but I have to hold fast to the belief that they are "in His watchcare".
After reading this portion of the letter, I felt simultaneously enraged and guilty. I was angry that the "they" that was mentioned are my sister an I, unnamed but still included, in this segment of her letter. I was angry that she believes that the "Lord" is trying her patience and endurance all because "His" timing isn't right and that my sister and I are being used as pawns in this scheme. And I felt guilty for the same reasons. I am the source of her hurt and the trying of her patience and endurance. She firmly believes right now that at least I will return to the Church. I think she knows my sister well enough to not expect my sister to actually return to the Church. She's far too stubborn to ever admit she's "wrong". And I am in no way saying that she is. I fully support my sister and how she was born, but even if she suddenly decided she wasn't actually a lesbian she wouldn't admit it and come back. I honestly think that my mom fully expects me to "realize the error of my ways" and become a faithful and strong member of the Church that she has centered her life on.
Leaving the Church hasn't been the hardest thing I've ever done. It's separating parts of myself from my family and watching them struggle that has been the most difficult for me. I have spent my life trying to make decisions that would make my parents happy. I tried my best to be responsible and to never break any trust between us ultimately to prove to them that I was a good person. I honestly feel as though I've missed out on a lot of opportunities because I felt that if I took a risk and failed, I would be a disappointment to them. Now here I am, living in a way that does not coincide with their beliefs. I am constantly enmeshed in a web of emotions that at times seem to suffocate me, and I know a lot of it is because my particular personality has led me to constantly seek out the approval of others, whether I'm obvious about it or not, and I am not receiving the same level of approval that I once was as far as my family is concerned.
I in no way regret my decision to live with my boyfriend or to actively seek out answers to the doubts I've harbored my entire life. But it's this very realization that perpetuates the whirlwind of conflicting emotions that I feel and the fact that I will not end up fulfilling the answer to my mother's prayers.
Two things:
ReplyDeleteFirst: This reminds me of an instance shortly after I told my mother I was an atheist. She told me she had failed me as a mother. It was then that I realized the inherent harm of even seemingly innocuous religion. You are not the source of your mother's hurt. Her hurt stems directly from the expectation imposed upon her by her church.
Second: If Mormons believe that righteous families can be together in the Celestial Kingdom, what would stop less-righteous families from doing the same thing in a lower kingdom? A family that is damned together, stays together.