What a "great" talk! I came across this talk while I was doing some research for my last post. I wanted to include it in that one, but it was already exceedingly lengthy. I would consider this post as a continuation of the previous one, with its focus being marriage and the obsession that Mormons have with it.
In the above talk, President Benson is speaking to the priesthood holders in the church, but more specifically, to the SINGLE priesthood holders of the church. He goes over dressing and grooming, following the commandments, serving dutifully within the church and feasting on the "Words of Christ". But the majority of his talk centers around a letter from two concerned parents. These parents reference a group of young men who have reached their early thirties and remain unmarried:
“In our experience these are usually young men who have been on missions, are well educated, and are living the commandments (except this most important one). There does not appear to be a lack of choice young ladies in the same age bracket who could make suitable companions."
Except this most important one..... President Benson does not disagree with their statement. As a young woman, throughout Beehives, Mia Maids and Laurels, the lessons that I hated most were about marriage. My leaders would have us make lists that highlighted all of the qualities that we wanted in our husbands. Multiple times throughout the year we would do this. The girls would be all giddy and compare lists and would start planning their weddings. Once this frivolity was reigned in, we would "discuss" our lists. Always, ALWAYS, the first thing they would ask was if "worthy Priesthood holder" was on the list. You come to understand after making these lists that if that isn't on the list, and really, if it isn't number one, then you need to sort out your priorities. So it was, and still is, on every young woman's list of desired qualities in a husband. The frequency in which the young women have these types of lessons is drastically different for the young men. My guy friends never seemed to have these kinds of lessons. To me, that meant that the Church felt that I, as a female, was only meant to fulfill one role on this earth, and that was to marry, make babies and take care of my husband. I was, and still am, violently opposed to this view of marriage.
There are more qualities in any female than the abilities to reproduce and the tendency to have a more nurturing nature. I believe that this role that the church has set up for the women in the church discourages them from receiving a full education or pursuing careers. Many members will dispute this because many church leaders have emphasized the importance for every member to receive an education, but in reality, their heavy encouragement to multiply and replenish the earth far outweighs women receiving an education.
Bear in mind, dear sisters, that the eternal blessings which are yours through membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are far, far greater than any other blessings you could possibly receive. No greater recognition can come to you in this world than to be known as a woman of God. No greater status can be conferred upon you than being a daughter of God who experiences true sisterhood, wifehood, and motherhood, or other tasks which influence lives for good. -Spencer W. Kimball (read by his wife, Camilla, at a women's fireside held in September, 1979)
Does this mean that my sister is less of a human being because she has chosen to serve in the U.S. Air Force rather than marry right out of high school and have kids? Does it mean that I haven't reached my full potential yet because I'm currently only dating someone?
While the young men don't have lessons that center around marriage as frequently as the young women do, they still get an ear full during General Conference every 6 months, as President Benson's talk can attest to. Later, in his talk, President Benson relates a story from Spencer W. Kimball, who was also a prophet of the church.
Kimball says that he had an experience with a young man of 35 years old who had been home from his mission for 14 years and wasn't at all concerned about his bachelorhood. He even "laughed about it".
"I shall feel sorry for this young man when the day comes that he faces the Great Judge at the throne and when the Lord asks this boy: 'Where is your wife?' All of his excuses which he gave to his fellows on earth will seem very light and senseless when he answers the Judge. 'I was very busy,' or 'I felt I should get my education first,' or 'I did not find the right girl'- such answers will be hollow and of little avail. He knew he was commanded to find a wife and marry her and maker her happy. He knew it was his duty to become the father of children and provide a rich, full life for them as they grew up. He knew all this, yet postponed his responsibility" (Ensign, Feb. 1975, p.2)
As I stated above, many members will argue that the church feels that it is important to receive an education. To some degree, this is true, but only if you make finding your "eternal companion" the priority. There are so many LDS couples that get married before they are 25 years old. Most women are married before they are twenty and if a return missionary isn't married within the first year that he's home, he's shirking his duty. People think I'm joking when I say that by a time a woman reaches 25, they're practically spinsters (of which I am), at least in the LDS world.
The other thing that gets me in the above quote from Kimball is when he says that the guy uses the "excuse" that he 'didn't find the right girl'. By deeming this an excuse rather than a reason, Kimball is saying that settling for marrying any girl is better than never being married at all. In a conversation at work, before I started dating my boyfriend, he made the comment that he would rather be alone than married and miserable. Initially I felt it was a somewhat cynical thing to say, but once I had to chance to really think about it, I think he's right. I haven't dated many people, but I was not into the last boyfriend I had at all, at least not as far as intimacy was concerned. He was a nice guy and fun to hang out with, but I could never see him as more than just a friend. But I was getting older (I was almost 22!) and I didn't have many dating opportunities since the vast majority of people that I had grown up with were married and already starting families.
Despite my inhibitions regarding marriage in general, I knew that I was "instructed" to marry, so I stayed in the relationship. But my mind cleared once he left for his mission. (He left a few years later than the average young man). I was suddenly free of this burden. I no longer felt obligated to spend all of my free time with him or to respond to his sappy texts. I no longer felt bad every time he said that he loved me and I was unable to respond in kind. He came home 3 months later (having been honorably released early) and wanted to get back together, but I couldn't, in good conscience, re-start what I knew was a lie on my part. So I ended it. Had I continued the lie, I could very well have ended up being married to this kid. I have no doubt that we could have made it work, and by 'it', I mean we could have had kids and raised them, but I would have been miserable with him, because I just didn't love him.
I believe that it is so much better to either find a person that you can honestly spend the rest of your life with or to remain single than it is to just settle because you're expected to get married.
I discovered another amusing talk while doing my research. This one was by Elder Russell M. Nelson in a 2008 conference. I find it so amusing because he compares the process of marriage to shopping. According to him, there are different kinds of shopper: "wise shoppers" who study their options thoroughly before making a selection. they focus on quality and durability and want the very best. Others look for bargains and other splurge, only to learn later that their choice did not endure well. There are also those rare individuals who cast aside their person integrity and steal what they want. "We call them shoplifters." (This is a direct quote, by the way.)
"The patterns of the shopper may be applied to the topic of marriage. A couple in love can choose a marriage of the highest quality or a lesser type that will not endure. Or they can choose neither and brazenly steal what they want as "marital shoplifters".
The subject of marriage is debated across the world. Where various arrangements exist for conjugal living (marital shoplifters), My purpose in speaking out on this topic is to declare, as an Apostle of the Lord, that marriage between a man and a woman is sacred- is ordained of God. I also assert the virtue of a temple marriage. It is the highest and most enduring type of marriage that our Creator can offer to His children. This does not, by ANY means, guarantee that the marriage will last, i.e. divorce still exists.
He continues: This goal is glorious. All Church activities, advancements, quorums, and classes are means to the end of an exalted family. He admits that the purpose of activities within the church is to get singles married. This is a small victory for me because I used to vocalize my dislike for certain activities because I felt like I was supposed to be a window dressing for male shoppers to admire. The singles ward is the worst place in the world. When teenagers graduate from high school, they are encouraged to go to what is called, the Singles Ward. The ages range from 18-30. They have a separate ward for anyone over the age of 30 who remains unmarried (slackers). Literally every activity that is combined with the guys, I'm sorry, priesthood, revolves around pairing the guys and girls. In the wards I was in, they would literally have "Date Night" as well as "Date Auctions". Guys would have to provide dinners for their "dates" and the girls would have to bring a dessert. I made it a point to avoid these activities because I find them to be absolutely ridiculous. Singles Wards are meat markets, plain and simple.
The talk continues: That proclamation on the family helps us realize that celestial marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other relationship. The earth was created and this Church was restored so that families could be formed, sealed, and exalted eternally. Again, he more or less states that the reason the Church is on the earth is so that people can get married and make babies who will then grow up and do the same thing, all within the bounds of the "one true Gospel", of course.
To qualify for eternal life, we must make an eternal and everlasting covenant with our Heavenly Father. This means that a temple marriage is not only between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God. Marriage is only supposed to be between one man and one woman, but it also embraces a partnership with God? Doesn't that mean that women are becoming bigamists and men are participating in gay marriage? And if EVERY marriage that is performed in the temple embraces a partnership with god, doesn't that mean that every couple is, in a way, married to every other couple? Not only that, but if god is our "father", doesn't that mean we're also in-breeding?
Such a reward requires more than a hopeful wish. On occasion, I read in a newspaper obituary of an expectation that a recent death has reunited that person with a deceased spouse, when, in fact, they did not choose the eternal option. Instead, they opted for a marriage that was valid only as long as long as they both should live. Heavenly Father had offered them a supernal gift, but they refused it. And in rejecting the gift, they rejected the Giver of the gift. Okay, one, his statement implies that every single one of these couples rejected this "gift" while having a full knowledge of it. Two, there seems to be no doubt in his mind that there is an after-life. Three, he is totally crushing the hopes of billions of people that they will see their families in the after-life. Regardless of whether there ends up being an after-life, no one, not even "god's spokesman" should crush the belief of someone else.
One strong sentence of scripture clearly distinguishes between a hopeful wish and an eternal truth: "All covenants, contracts,... obligations, oaths, vows,... or expectations, that are not made and entered into and sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, of him who is anointed, both as well for time and for all eternity, ... are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the resurrection from the dead. This "strong sentence of scripture" us D&C 132:7. The majority of this section "records revelations" that Joseph Smith had. This isn't something that was "translated" from ancient prophets. Even if the Bible and the BOM are legitimate, there is absolutely no way to verify that whatever revelations J.S and any other prophet recorded in D&C is legitimate.
God's plan of happiness allows us to choose for ourselves. As with the patterns of the shopper, we may choose celestial marriage or lesser alternatives. Some marital options are cheap, some are costly, and some are cunningly crafted by the adversary. Beware of his options; they always breed misery.
The best choice is celestial marriage. Thankfully, if a lesser choice has previously been made, a choice can now be made to upgrade it to the best choice. That requires a mighty change of heart and a permanent personal upgrade. Blessings so derived are worth all efforts made. How does he know this? Can he actually guarantee it? Everything he states in this talk is based on "revelations" that Joseph Smith received while he was the prophet. Nelson assumes that in the after-life, these couples will see the "error" of their ways and will want to be united with a celestial marriage, which apparently can happen. Why would god send us to earth to be "tested" and then after we've taken the "test", or died, he still gives people a chance to partake of his "blessings". Members believe that this is because he is a merciful deity. This is like studying a long time for the SAT/ACT, taking it and only receiving an average or below average score and then being given the answers afterward to fix your errors. Maybe I shouldn't complain, since I would be considered a marriage shoplifter anyway, because if this is all "true" I can change my heart in the after-life and reap the rewards.
Despite all of my resistance to being roped into the mating rituals of the LDS faith, I do believe in marriage. I want to be married. I want to be able to raise a family with the man that I love and feel the pride that comes with watching them succeed and feel the hurt that comes when they struggle and fail. I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend, but not because I HAVE to, but because I WANT to. Marriage is hard enough when you're happy. Why make it more difficult by settling just because you've been commanded to "multiply and replenish the earth".
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