"Go Set a Watchman"

I found Go Set a Watchman to be incredibly poignant, especially at this point in my life, having recently left my religion. While Watchman focuses primarily on the racial tensions of the 1950’s in the South, I felt that a lot of Scout’s thoughts and actions throughout the novel correspond to similar thoughts and actions that I’ve experienced throughout my life in regards to religion.

Despite this being a new release, the most quoted line from the novel is as follows: “Every man’s island… every man’s watchman, is his conscience.” In the Bible, the term watchman is used to describe a ‘prophet’, or someone who is to become the moral compass of a home or town or civilization. The phrase, ‘Every man’s island’, or ‘no man is an island’, indicates that a person’s conscience is what influences their interactions with their surroundings and with others. When ‘every man’s island’ and ‘every man’s watchman’ come together, the quote is indicative of an individual’s conscience being what influences interactions with people and with surroundings. The conscience is what dictates an individual’s moral compass.

I bring this up because for the first time in my life, I have been confronted with the realization that my beliefs no longer correspond with those of my family and old friends. Scout is confronted with a similar realization in regards to the racial tensions within her small town when she discovers that her beliefs are no longer the same as her father’s, whom she regarded as more of a god than ‘god’.

You must have lived it. If a man says to you, “This is the truth,” and you believe him, and you discover what he says is not the truth, you are disappointed and you make sure you will not be caught out by him again.

But a man who has lived by truth-and you have believed in what he has lived-he does not leave you merely wary when he fails you, he leaves you with nothing. I think that is why I’m nearly out of my mind…

            -Jean Louis (Scout), pg. 179

This section hit home for me in regards to certain prophets and General Authorities in the Mormon church. For 25 years of my life, I was taught to revere and to believe, without question, everything that these men said. I bought into the circular reasoning that if Joseph Smith was a true prophet, then the Book of Mormon was the truest book on the planet, and because of its truthfulness, the Church is obviously the truest religion, which means that Joseph Smith was definitely a true prophet of god.

For months after we met, M would present me with new ideas and with reasons why the Mormon church was bogus, and I tried really hard to not let the logic from his resources crack my fragile belief. It wasn’t until I read about polygamy on mormonthink, that my reality shattered. Everything that I had been taught about Joseph Smith was a lie. His treatment of women and his deception to his members and to the government killed me. While polygamy isn’t practiced today in the Mormon Church, it was a part of the history, but a part that they carefully reworked in an effort to create a more favorable picture of the action. I wasn’t a fan of polygamy before, but I accepted the bull shit that it was necessary so that the early church could grow its numbers and that it was also implemented to provide care and shelter to women who would not have otherwise had the opportunity to be married and enter the celestial kingdom. My paradigm shifted with the revelation of the truth, but it was, and still is, hard to stomach.

While I didn’t question anything the Church said outright until recently, there were still moments when I knew that I wasn’t who They wanted me to be. I recognized early on that there were differences in being a boy in the church and in being a girl. My earliest rebellion was wearing shorts underneath my skirt because I thought it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t allowed to wear what the boys wore. As I got older, the differences seemed to grow more obvious. I didn’t see the point in makeup. Shorter hair was easier to maintain. I hated gossiping and preferred to play sports. I refused to participate in Personal Progress because I felt like the program was demeaning to women. I was only required to learn to cook and clean, to read my scriptures diligently and to understand that the greatest role I could ever play in my life was to be a mother. Gag. I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted to learn how to survive in the wilderness and go on camping trips that would actually fall under the category of ‘high adventure’. I wanted to play sports with the girls, not sit around a leader’s counter and learn how to frost a cookie. I wanted to watch movies and read books without the gospel being dragged into any ensuing discussion. But that is not what a woman should be in the Mormon Church, no matter what one of them may argue.

She glanced down the long, low-ceilinged living room at the double row of women, women she had merely known all her life, and she could not talk to them five minutes without drying up stone dead. I can’t think of anything to say to them. They talk incessantly about the things they do, and I don’t know how to do the things they do. If we married-if I married anybody from this town- these would be my friends, and I couldn’t think of a thing to say to them. I would be Jean Louise the Silent. I couldn’t possibly bring off one of these affairs by myself, and there’s Aunty having the time of her life. I’d be churched to death, bridge-partied to death, called upon to give book reviews at the Amanuensis Club, expected to become a part of the community. It takes a lot of what I don’t have to be a member of this wedding.”

            -Jean Louis (Scout), pg. 172-73

I felt similar whilst sitting around my own contemporaries, most especially in Relief Society, once I reached that hated period of a Mormon woman’s existence. There I was, surrounded by women I had known for a large part of my life, but could not have an honest conversation with. We were all expected to settle down quickly and start having babies, and from their conversations and lessons, one would believe that’s all they really wanted to do. I bristled against the idea of marriage and motherhood, being unwilling to accept that that was all I was really meant for.

As of this year, I could have been married for almost 4 years to a sweet guy, but a guy who would have made me miserable every day of my life. I would have fallen into the trap of being a Mormon wife and mother, putting everything that my husband wanted and believed before myself. I am grateful every day that I went against my character and actually ended the relationship. That marriage would have taken a lot of what I didn’t have in order for it to work. After that, I was more or less resigned to being single for the rest of my life, until M made his subtle entrance into my life, and without knowing it, showed me what a real relationship, one of equality and honesty, could actually be.

I think that the quote that inspired me the most, though, comes at the end of the book. In a fit of anger, Scout finally breaks down and confronts her father. After realizing that his opinion will always be his opinion and that she can no longer agree with everything he believes in, she decides to leave her hometown forever, but not before her Uncle Jack finds her, sits her down, and has a frank discussion with her.

You’ve no doubt heard some pretty offensive talk since you’ve been home, but instead of getting on your charger and blindly striking it down, you turned and ran. You said, in effect, ‘I don’t like the way these people do, so I have no time for them.’ You’d better take time for’em honey, otherwise you’ll never grow.

            -Uncle Jack, pg. 267

Leaving the church was one thing, but confronting their beliefs on a day to day basis has been the most difficult thing for me to live with. The desperation I have felt just to pack up and get as far away from Utah has been overwhelming. I wanted to run away, because running was synonymous with solving the underlying problem. I wouldn’t have to face my family. I wouldn’t have to face my friends. I wouldn’t have to face my co-workers. I could just slowly disappear from social media, and eventually no one would remember that good little Mormon girl.

But Uncle Jack has a point. Running from what you’re afraid of doesn’t help you grow. You remain stagnant. I was stagnant within the Church because I was afraid of facing my doubts. It was easier to stay in this case, because it was safe and I had people telling me what I should know and how I should learn and what I should believe. While I’m slowly and painfully moving away from that, I’m still stagnant, but for the opposite reason. I don’t want to stay, but I need to stay. (I should point out that I don’t necessarily mean stay, as in the physical sense of the word. It’s more metaphorical, I guess, because to hell with living in Utah.) I need to be prepared for confrontation, I need to be prepared to stand up for what I believe in and to be prepared to live with the consequences.

This thought absolutely terrifies me to my very core, because I have been a runner all my life. But I’m slowly beginning to realize that it harms me more to swallow my opinions than it does to share them and be either ostracized or be turned into someone’s pet project for redemption. I know that I wont change immediately, but the desire is there, and ever so slowly, tiny differences will lead to the overall goal.

Other than the obvious differences between Scout and I, the biggest difference between us, is that her father welcomed her act of defiance and her ability to finally think for herself. She made him proud. The General Authorities, the prophets, the apologists will never welcome a dissenting opinion. They will never be proud of a person who thinks for themselves, who stands up for what they believe, despite it being unpopular. I’ve lived in terror because of Old Men who have been convinced their entire lives that they alone speak for god, that they alone know how this world should be run.

Well, god damn them.