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Coincidence or Design?

          Every decision I made was by design. Some great overlord was watching my every move, ensuring that I stayed the course He had predetermined for me. This was how I grew up. Convinced that I was being watched, that every choice that was ever presented to me was to test how well I understood the plan that I was never actually privy to know. I had a hard time understanding how it worked, Free Agency. How was it that I had free agency, the ability to choose my own life’s course, when an unseen Power living above and around and inside me had already drawn up my life’s map and it was just a matter of time before I reached my “true potential”? If he was purposefully presenting me with different choices, didn’t that already undermine the basic tenants of Free Agency?
         
         I’ve twice read a book called “Clockwork Angels” by Kevin J. Anderson. It’s a wonderful book. The main character is approaching “manhood” (In his world, 17 is the age of adulthood.) Once this happens, he will be betrothed to his “one true love”. He will become the overseer of an apple orchard, and will live out the remainder of his days doing the same thing day in and day out. Doesn’t that sound kind of awful? This is how his world was run, and generally, everyone is okay with that. They aren’t taught to think for themselves. They live by the Watchmakers rules. The Watchmaker created this world for them. He saved them from destitution, from wars and plagues, from outright turmoil, and with his power, he determines the path that everyone’s life will take. He created the Stability. They worship the Watchmaker. The main character, Owen, however, feels trapped. Eventually, and what he believes to be by chance, he escapes his hum-drum life and heads to Crown City. He deviates from the Watchmakers predetermined plan.
         
          Throughout the book, Owen believes that everything that happens occurs by chance. Further on into the novel however, he is confronted by the Watchmaker and his nemesis, the Anarchist. Both of these characters relate to Owen how they each laid out different options for Owen, knowing before he chose, exactly how he would choose. I equate these two characters to God and Satan, which I’m sure is not an unfounded belief. Religions, and more especially Mormonism, teach that God has a plan for each individual that ever comes to Earth. In opposition to His plan, Satan tries to push individuals off of this straight and narrow course that was laid out for us. I think this is kind of how the Mormons try to get around the loophole that God’s predetermined plan has created. By throwing Satan into the mix, a being that God doesn’t necessarily control (but let’s be honest, the bible says repeatedly how God “let’s” Satan do bad things to good people, so it’s still flawed), they’ve created a loophole within a loophole. God not determining what counter option Satan presents to us is religions way of saying, “This is what Free Agency is. You can decide whether or not you stay the straight and narrow, or stray and fall and become unclean in His sight.”
        
          Owen is presented with the same kind of options. He’s free to determine his own path in life, but following the Anarchists path goes against Owen’s conscience and morals. He can’t justify killing innocent people or shipwrecking and plundering vessels that carry resources to the City. Everything about the Anarchist revolts Owen. So does that mean he is only loyal to the Watchmaker? That he’ll return to his town, marry, settle down and tend an apple orchard for the rest of his life? No. What religion doesn’t like to acknowledge, is that there’s a third option. You don’t have to be “holy” in the way that religions want you to be, but not being “holy” doesn’t automatically mean that you’re evil.
         
           Owen encounters a travelling circus on his adventures, and becomes friends with company. He sees that they are not tied to the Watchmakers carefully designed plan, nor are they evil people that are trying to destroy the society in which they live. Owen’s association with this travelling group catapults him on a journey of self-discovery. He discovers what it’s like to truly love someone and how it feels to have his heart broken. He learns that trust is earned, not given, and that when trust is broken, it’s hard to trust again. He discovers that he can sleep when he wants, eat when he wants, help who and where he wants. He can learn new skills and hobbies. He is in charge of what he learns, and sometimes, like in real life, those lessons challenge his world-view and hurt him physically and mentally. It is this life that Owen ultimately chooses for himself. A life away from the Stability and away from the Anarchists conniving plans. This is what religion doesn’t acknowledge, and more specifically, this is what they are afraid of.
         
           It’s this area of in-between that non-religious folk occupy. They can be good without needing religion to be “moral”, a concept that is apparently foreign to those within the confines of religion. They are not people that are compelled to do evil things. They don’t leave religion and start murdering people, or become prostitutes or paedophiles. The non-religious tend to be more peaceful than those with religion. But this is another concept that is fully rejected by religions. For some reason, their belief in a god surpasses all the good work that non-religious people perpetuate throughout their lives.

The first time I read this novel I was still in the grasp of Mormonism, so I equated everything to my own religious path. In the book, the Watchmaker is able to track everyone’s life path with some kind of illuminated board. I imagined god with a very similar board. The visualisation helped me on some level to justify the conundrum that is Free Agency. I thought, perhaps God doesn’t actually know every choice I will make, but he knows that no matter what choice I make, I will eventually end up where he wants me: married with kids, bringing them up in the gospel while I served in various positions in the church. I tried not to involve possible career choices in this visualisation, because in all honesty, the Church doesn’t care what I do for a living, which meant that god didn’t either. All that mattered was that I remained a member; that I would get married in the temple, settle down and have lots of babies and support my husband as he provided for the family and served in high offices in the church. Everyone, in the eyes of the Church, has the same path generic. There are only slight differences between men and women. Women have babies and stay at home to raise them in a gospel enriched home while the men make money and hold church callings.

The concepts in this book resonate with me because I used to love drawing mental maps of the course of my life. I find that I still do this a tad, but catch myself and begin to look at my choices as my own, rather than a part of a Plan. My last few years of college is where my life really started to become my own, and this was where I like to begin my map. This “hobby” became more obsessive once I met M. I wanted to believe that we were destined to be together; that we were something like soul mates, although I never really believed in that concept. There are just far too many people in this world to even begin justifying that idea.

I came to the conclusion that M was at least an inactive Mormon long before we started dating. It wasn’t until our first official date that he revealed to me that he was an atheist. Once I was home alone, I contemplated that revelation and was surprised to discover that I wasn’t afraid of the word ‘atheist’. I couldn’t figure out why  because I was taught from a very young age that you should only associate, date and marry those of your own faith, otherwise unnecessary complications arise in your life and you make it easier for the devil to get him in your grasp. I tried to justify my lack of terror. After a conversation with my mom (where I only let on that he was “inactive”), she told me that the reason I was with M was to bring him back into the Fold. (Not really her words… but this was the general idea.) I immediately latched onto this idea, even though by this time I was having some serious doubts of my own concerning the truthfulness of the Church. I concentrated on a scripture that is found in the Doctrine and Covenants:

And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me! D&C 18:16

I always focused on “your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me”, because converting one person to the LDS faith seemed more doable than two or more. God wanted me to bring M back into the gospel, and then together we would have joy in the after life.

I made this mental map and went over it time and again to convince myself that I was still following god’s plan for me. He had set up all of these potential paths for me that eventually led me to M. My best interests had to be in god’s heart, so eventually M and I would get married in the temple, have kids and live good clean lives in the Stability of the Church. I harboured this idea and resisted, to some extent, fully committing to discovering for myself whether I believed in religion or not. Growing up in the Church I had relied on everyone around me to support my belief rather than actively taking it upon myself to discover it for myself. I did the same thing with M. I listened to his arguments, watched and listened to debates and podcasts that he wanted me to watch with him, but I didn’t do anything on my own. That is, until I realised that my entire life wasn’t predestined. I was holding on to an idea that was an inherent fallacy. M was not a soul that I was meant to “save”. M realised long before I did that there is no actual plan for anyone. There is no way for one single individual to keep track of the every single choice that every single individual on the planet ever made so that he could ensure that every individual ends up exactly where he wants them. Can you imagine the size of that Watchmaker’s board!? It’s unfathomable. Impossible. And I just needed to admit to myself that I knew this all along. I needed to stop trying to convince myself that everything in my life happened for a reason. I needed to stop believing that no matter what decision I made, as long as I stayed true to the Gospel, I would eventually end up where god wanted me to be.

As liberating as it is to feel that I really am making my own choices, I find myself fighting off bouts of depression for the very same reason. I was always told that I needed to pray for guidance before making a big decision. Where should I go to college? What should I major in? Should I work at x or y? Should I move? Should I date this boy? Should I travel here? I think you get the idea. I have been waiting my entire life for an answer to all of these questions and so many more, and because I’ve never once received a real answer, I’ve floated along from one thing to the next always with the notion that eventually god will tell me I’m doing things right and I’ll become the person I was designed to be. I have missed so many opportunities because I’ve been afraid to commit to anything. It is this very same inability to commit that has prevented me from being successful in any aspect of my life. I have survived this long. But that’s all it’s been. Survival.

At least until I met M. Mentally I was committee, even before I started to forge my own path of questioning beliefs. He is honestly the only person that I’ve felt any REAL feeling for. I wanted to love Him. I wasn’t told to love Him. And because He was willing to take the time to explain his beliefs (or rather, lack of beliefs) and introduce me to new ideas, I’m making my own decisions. This is where I want to go to school. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is who I want to be with for the rest of my life. It’s scary to commit, and sometimes I have doubts, but it is liberating to realise, and to actually exercise, my agency. There is no such thing as By Design, only By Coincidence. 

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