Every decision I made was by design.
Some great overlord was watching my every move, ensuring that I stayed the
course He had predetermined for me. This was how I grew up. Convinced that I
was being watched, that every choice that was ever presented to me was to test
how well I understood the plan that I was never actually privy to know. I had a
hard time understanding how it worked, Free Agency. How was it that I had free
agency, the ability to choose my own life’s course, when an unseen Power living
above and around and inside me had already drawn up my life’s map and it was
just a matter of time before I reached my “true potential”? If he was
purposefully presenting me with different choices, didn’t that already
undermine the basic tenants of Free Agency?
I’ve twice read a book called
“Clockwork Angels” by Kevin J. Anderson. It’s a wonderful book. The main
character is approaching “manhood” (In his world, 17 is the age of adulthood.)
Once this happens, he will be betrothed to his “one true love”. He will become
the overseer of an apple orchard, and will live out the remainder of his days
doing the same thing day in and day out. Doesn’t that sound kind of awful? This
is how his world was run, and generally, everyone is okay with that. They
aren’t taught to think for themselves. They live by the Watchmakers rules. The
Watchmaker created this world for them. He saved them from destitution, from
wars and plagues, from outright turmoil, and with his power, he determines the
path that everyone’s life will take. He created the Stability. They worship the
Watchmaker. The main character, Owen, however, feels trapped. Eventually, and
what he believes to be by chance, he escapes his hum-drum life and heads to
Crown City. He deviates from the Watchmakers predetermined plan.
Throughout the book, Owen believes that
everything that happens occurs by chance. Further on into the novel however, he
is confronted by the Watchmaker and his nemesis, the Anarchist. Both of these
characters relate to Owen how they each laid out different options for Owen,
knowing before he chose, exactly how he would choose. I equate these two
characters to God and Satan, which I’m sure is not an unfounded belief.
Religions, and more especially Mormonism, teach that God has a plan for each
individual that ever comes to Earth. In opposition to His plan, Satan tries to
push individuals off of this straight and narrow course that was laid out for
us. I think this is kind of how the Mormons try to get around the loophole that
God’s predetermined plan has created. By throwing Satan into the mix, a being
that God doesn’t necessarily control (but let’s be honest, the bible says
repeatedly how God “let’s” Satan do bad things to good people, so it’s still
flawed), they’ve created a loophole within a loophole. God not determining what
counter option Satan presents to us is religions way of saying, “This is what
Free Agency is. You can decide whether or not you stay the straight and narrow,
or stray and fall and become unclean in His sight.”
Owen is presented with the same kind of
options. He’s free to determine his own path in life, but following the
Anarchists path goes against Owen’s conscience and morals. He can’t justify
killing innocent people or shipwrecking and plundering vessels that carry
resources to the City. Everything about the Anarchist revolts Owen. So does
that mean he is only loyal to the Watchmaker? That he’ll return to his town,
marry, settle down and tend an apple orchard for the rest of his life? No. What
religion doesn’t like to acknowledge, is that there’s a third option. You don’t
have to be “holy” in the way that religions want you to be, but not being
“holy” doesn’t automatically mean that you’re evil.
Owen encounters a travelling circus on
his adventures, and becomes friends with company. He sees that they are not
tied to the Watchmakers carefully designed plan, nor are they evil people that
are trying to destroy the society in which they live. Owen’s association with
this travelling group catapults him on a journey of self-discovery. He
discovers what it’s like to truly love someone and how it feels to have his
heart broken. He learns that trust is earned, not given, and that when trust is
broken, it’s hard to trust again. He discovers that he can sleep when he wants,
eat when he wants, help who and where he wants. He can learn new skills and
hobbies. He is in charge of what he learns, and sometimes, like in real life,
those lessons challenge his world-view and hurt him physically and mentally. It
is this life that Owen ultimately chooses for himself. A life away from the
Stability and away from the Anarchists conniving plans. This is what religion
doesn’t acknowledge, and more specifically, this is what they are afraid of.
It’s this area of in-between that non-religious
folk occupy. They can be good without needing religion to be “moral”, a concept
that is apparently foreign to those within the confines of religion. They are
not people that are compelled to do evil things. They don’t leave religion and
start murdering people, or become prostitutes or paedophiles. The non-religious
tend to be more peaceful than those with religion. But this is another concept
that is fully rejected by religions. For some reason, their belief in a god
surpasses all the good work that non-religious people perpetuate throughout
their lives.
The first time I read this novel I was still in the
grasp of Mormonism, so I equated everything to my own religious path. In the
book, the Watchmaker is able to track everyone’s life path with some kind of
illuminated board. I imagined god with a very similar board. The visualisation
helped me on some level to justify the conundrum that is Free Agency. I
thought, perhaps God doesn’t actually
know every choice I will make, but he knows that no matter what choice I make,
I will eventually end up where he wants me: married with kids, bringing them up
in the gospel while I served in various positions in the church. I tried not to
involve possible career choices in this visualisation, because in all honesty,
the Church doesn’t care what I do for a living, which meant that god didn’t
either. All that mattered was that I remained a member; that I would get
married in the temple, settle down and have lots of babies and support my
husband as he provided for the family and served in high offices in the church.
Everyone, in the eyes of the Church, has the same path generic. There are only
slight differences between men and women. Women have babies and stay at home to
raise them in a gospel enriched home while the men make money and hold church
callings.
The concepts in this book resonate with me because I
used to love drawing mental maps of the course of my life. I find that I still do
this a tad, but catch myself and begin to look at my choices as my own, rather
than a part of a Plan. My last few years of college is where my life really
started to become my own, and this was where I like to begin my map. This
“hobby” became more obsessive once I met M. I wanted to believe that we were
destined to be together; that we were something like soul mates, although I
never really believed in that concept. There are just far too many people in
this world to even begin justifying that idea.
I came to the conclusion that M was at least an
inactive Mormon long before we started dating. It wasn’t until our first
official date that he revealed to me that he was an atheist. Once I was home
alone, I contemplated that revelation and was surprised to discover that I
wasn’t afraid of the word ‘atheist’. I couldn’t figure out why because I was taught from a very young age
that you should only associate, date and marry those of your own faith,
otherwise unnecessary complications arise in your life and you make it easier
for the devil to get him in your grasp. I tried to justify my lack of terror.
After a conversation with my mom (where I only let on that he was “inactive”),
she told me that the reason I was with M was to bring him back into the Fold.
(Not really her words… but this was the general idea.) I immediately latched
onto this idea, even though by this time I was having some serious doubts of my
own concerning the truthfulness of the Church. I concentrated on a scripture
that is found in the Doctrine and Covenants:
And now, if your joy will
be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into
the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you
should bring many souls unto me! D&C 18:16
I
always focused on “your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought
unto me”, because converting one person to the LDS faith seemed more doable
than two or more. God wanted me to bring M back into the gospel, and then
together we would have joy in the after life.
I
made this mental map and went over it time and again to convince myself that I
was still following god’s plan for me. He had set up all of these potential
paths for me that eventually led me to M. My best interests had to be in god’s
heart, so eventually M and I would get married in the temple, have kids and
live good clean lives in the Stability of the Church. I harboured this idea and
resisted, to some extent, fully committing to discovering for myself whether I
believed in religion or not. Growing up in the Church I had relied on everyone
around me to support my belief rather than actively taking it upon myself to
discover it for myself. I did the same thing with M. I listened to his
arguments, watched and listened to debates and podcasts that he wanted me to
watch with him, but I didn’t do anything on my own. That is, until I realised
that my entire life wasn’t predestined. I was holding on to an idea that was an
inherent fallacy. M was not a soul that I was meant to “save”. M realised long
before I did that there is no actual plan for anyone. There is no way for one
single individual to keep track of the every single choice that every single
individual on the planet ever made so that he could ensure that every
individual ends up exactly where he wants them. Can you imagine the size of
that Watchmaker’s board!? It’s unfathomable. Impossible. And I just needed to
admit to myself that I knew this all along. I needed to stop trying to convince
myself that everything in my life happened for a reason. I needed to stop
believing that no matter what decision I made, as long as I stayed true to the
Gospel, I would eventually end up where god wanted me to be.
As liberating as it is to feel that I really am making
my own choices, I find myself fighting off bouts of depression for the very
same reason. I was always told that I needed to pray for guidance before making
a big decision. Where should I go to college? What should I major in? Should I
work at x or y? Should I move? Should I date this boy? Should I travel here? I
think you get the idea. I have been waiting my entire life for an answer to all
of these questions and so many more, and because I’ve never once received a
real answer, I’ve floated along from one thing to the next always with the
notion that eventually god will tell me I’m doing things right and I’ll become
the person I was designed to be. I have missed so many opportunities because
I’ve been afraid to commit to anything. It is this very same inability to
commit that has prevented me from being successful in any aspect of my life. I
have survived this long. But that’s all it’s been. Survival.
At least until I met M. Mentally I was committee, even
before I started to forge my own path of questioning beliefs. He is honestly
the only person that I’ve felt any REAL feeling for. I wanted to love Him. I
wasn’t told to love Him. And because He was willing to take the time to explain
his beliefs (or rather, lack of beliefs) and introduce me to new ideas, I’m
making my own decisions. This is where I want to go to school. This is what I
want to do for the rest of my life. This is who I want to be with for the rest
of my life. It’s scary to commit, and sometimes I have doubts, but it is
liberating to realise, and to actually exercise, my agency. There is no such
thing as By Design, only By Coincidence.
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