Struggles...

For nine months, I haven't attended church. It's been quite lovely having my Sunday's completely free and not having to worry about what activities I should or should not be doing. But leaving a religion is a lot more than just not attending regular church meetings. Having been raised since infancy in the LDS church, my identity for 25 years of my life has been linked inexorably to that belief. As humans, we have an inherent desire to identify ourselves, whether it be through groups and beliefs, or jobs, or sports, or talents and hobbies. We invest much of who we think we are into these identities to the extent that when something negative happens, such as we lose that job or can no longer participate in a talent/hobby, we feel an immense sense of loss and confusion. Depending on ones level of immersion, religious identities can be particularly hard to lose.

It has been quite liberating to experience the freedom of researching my religious beliefs and expanding my learning to encompass things that were never discussed or just lightly brushed over in my religious community. But that freedom also brings a sense of confusion. I'm suddenly reading and listening to things that logically make perfect sense, but they discount the majority of what I was taught my entire life. Growing up in the Church, I was taught to stay away from "intellectual" literature and schools of thought. I stayed away because I was told that these things were of the devil. The devil, according to the Church, is extremely smart and capable of convincing God's followers to believe in things like evolution and the big bang theory. "Satan" uses intellectual people to make these theories and ideas sound logical, but science should never take the place of faith. Thomas S. Monson once said, "I wasn't with  Joseph [Smith], but I believe him. My faith did not come to me through science, and I will not permit so-called science to destroy it." (Emphasis mine.) This quote, in a nutshell, describes what the Church tells its members to think of science and faith. Because this has been so ingrained in my head, I find myself at times, especially early on in my questioning of the Church, overcome with feelings of guilt because logically, these theories and principles and ideas make more sense than the stories and faith based testimonies of my childhood, but it's feelings like these, according to the Church, that are sure signs that "Satan" himself has gotten a hold of me.

 

Luckily I have support when times like these arise. He may not actually be aware of it at the time, but he's a natural born realist and rational thinker and because of the ways in which he can explain these new concepts and then set them up against the Church's "doctrine", I am better able to cope with those feelings and allow logic and reason to be my friends rather than "Satan's" tools against me.

 

I've come to realize that having a support system is a wonderful gift. But the difference in the support system that I have now and the support system I had 11 months ago is quite different. My family and the members of the Church that lived in my community were my support system. We all went to the same meetings, knew the same people, believed the same things, read the same talks, had the same lessons and discussed the same basic issues in our lives. There were never many surprises and never anything truly intellectual was ever discussed. Everything was faith based. But there were a ton of people to turn to when an issue did arise. Now that I've begun to turn away from the Church, I've come to view these people differently, and in turn, I'm convinced that they view me differently. To be fair, the only people that I've actually told that I no longer go to Church and participate in some "sinful" activities are my parents, one of my sisters and a good friend of mine who have both left the Church. I worry when I get together with my parents that they look at me differently. Something "feels" different when we're together, at least to me. It could all very well be in my head, but I constantly wonder if that look that they just gave me or the frown that briefly crossed their face is because of me and my lifestyle change. But thoughts like these aren't the only things that I struggle with when it comes to breaking away from that support group. I can't discuss certain aspects of my life with my family or my old friends because I've done things differently than they have. I've done things that the Church preaches against. I live with my boyfriend and we do things that any married couple or other couples living together do, and I enjoy every second of it. Things like this can't be discussed with family and friends though because we're not married. We're "sinning", and if an issue or concern arises in relation to our relationship, then the response I will get from them will include things like, "well that's why you're not supposed to live together first" , "that's why you should pay your tithing", "that's why we obey the small things, so that when big things come up it's easier for us to obey them as well", and other hog wash like that.

 

I love the life that I have with my boyfriend, but I hate that I can't share that with family and friends. I love that I'm learning new things but I hate that if I bring up these new ideas, I'll get an earful of gospel "doctrine" in response. This is why I'm grateful that I have M in my life (I'll use M for the boyfriend because I haven't actually asked if I can use his name) so that we can share new concepts and ideas that had previously been prohibited before.

 

Moving away from the Church as a support system calls into question many "doctrines" and "principles", the one I deal with a lot now is marriage. As a young teenager in the Church, I had no interest in getting married, mostly on principle. It is drilled into every female's head in the Church that the greatest role a woman can have is to be a wife and a mother. This is what I was supposed to aspire to, and I refused. I didn't want my life to be subservient to a man's. I wanted to do things with my life and to be able to do things for myself without being looked down on. Dating wasn't something I wanted to do all the time. There was the occasional dance that I really wished I had a date to or a group activity that I wished I'd been invited to, but overall, I didn't care. As I grew up though and graduated from high school and moved through college, the idea of marriage and raising a family became more appealing to me and eventually became something that I did, and still do, desire, as long as I could find someone that would allow me to still explore my talents and wouldn't expect me to be home all the time and wouldn't feel like less of a man because I could provide another source of income. I know I've found that person, but my understanding of marriage and dating is called into question.

 

In the LDS world, as ludicrous as it sounds, many many couples date for an average of 3 months, get engaged and 3 months later are married and leaving for their honeymoon. The opinion of many, although members would deny this, is that the reason for such a short courting and engagement is because these young men and women are sexually repressed and want to experience sex. As crass as that might sound, it's true in most cases. I won't discount that many couples do in fact love each other, but is 6 months enough time to really get to know the other person and to make the decision to spend the rest of your life together, all while dealing with your hormones and suppressed desires?

 

However, if a couple dates for longer than 6 months and there's no talk of an impending engagement, the community starts to wonder. Are those two doing things they shouldn't (i.e. Are they having SEX!?) The longer an engagement is put off, the more likely it is that the couple is doing things they shouldn't be. Without consciously admitting it, members are very aware that young couples get married so quickly so that they can have sex.

 

This is what I struggle with, especially at work. In the eyes of my co-workers, I'm still a good, believing Mormon. The majority of them are very aware of the fact that M and I have been dating for quite awhile and I am asked on a weekly basis why it is that I'm not engaged yet. I try to be as vague as possible because while there is a reason, it's not a reason that I am comfortable sharing because it revolves around the nature of my standing in the Church and with religion in general. None of them know that M is an atheist either. I want to relate the most recent encounter that I had with my general manager on the subject:

 

I went to lunch with my good friend and our manager last week. This manager is particularly vocal when it comes to the status of my relationship. The conversation began with "What's going on?" to which I replied, "Not a lot." Insightful, yeah? He moved directly into how things were going with M and I. "Things still going well? Has he proposed yet? Why not? Do you want to get married? If he asked you right now, what would you say?What's wrong with him? Don't you ever talk about it? Then why hasn't he proposed? What are his reasons?"

 

The first few questions were easy enough. "Things are going well. No he hasn't proposed. Um... he just hasn't. Yes, I want to get married. I would say Yes if he asked me right now. Nothing's wrong with him. Yes, we talk about it. He just hasn't proposed. He has his reasons. I don't know what his reasons are (which I have to say is not entirely true. While we haven't discussed it in detail recently, the last conversation we had about it he was very clear why. It's just not something I want to discuss with a co-worker over chips and salsa.) The struggle now, besides not being married, is that my co-workers think that my relationship with M is not a strong relationship, which, in my opinion, is entirely untrue. Are we the perfect couple? Not by any means. But I can't tell them why I think we have a strong relationship without giving away my "dirty" little secret, which will inevitably lead them to treat me differently.

 

After I did my best to answer the GM's questions, he asked me another. Why was I still with him? My initial response in my mind was, "Why is it your business", because let's be honest, it's not. I replied however, that I'm still with him because I love him because mentally I am committed to him. Then the GM really caught me off guard. He asked, "So let's say that 5 years down the road he still hasn't asked you. Are you still with him?"

 

I had no idea how to answer this question. While I fervently hope it doesn't take 5 years for us to get married, I would still love M and be with him 5 years from now even if he didn't propose. I answered him as I expected an LDS member to answer, and said that I would want to find a man that would marry me. I hate myself for answering that way, because it's not entirely true. As much as I want M and I to get married, if he's still not ready to get married 5 years from now, I will still want to be with him. But I can't explain that to a


faithful LDS member without being branded as a sinner and a slut.

 

I have a constant battle inside my mind when it comes to marriage. I want to get married. But do I want to get married to satisfy the preconceived notions of the Church and my co-workers? Or do I want to get married because it's actually what I want? Because we're ready for it? To be honest, the conclusion I've reached is that it's a little bit of both. Over the last nine months I believe that M and I have proved that we are capable of living together, of making major decisions together, of building a life together. But marriage would also solve the issues that arise at work and with my friends.

 

It's times like these when I think that moving away would be the best option for us. Leaving this Mormon populated state would allow both M and I the freedom to live how we want without the constant secrecy or scrutiny from others. I don't think that I would feel the pressure that I do to get married as soon as possible. I would be able to enjoy my life more fully without a constant war raging through my head. But then I think.... Is that just a way to run away from my problems? Sometimes I think, "Yes, moving is running away and it's a cowards path. Face your issues head on and laugh at the people who tell you you're wrong." Then I think that it isn't actually running away. Moving is a perfectly viable option. These issues can't necessarily be resolved in a way that just wont create more issues in the long run. Maybe sometimes running away is the right decision.

 

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling and probably not making much sense. The point is, the way a person identifies himself/herself within society can be detrimental, especially when the fragile nature of that identity is shattered and they struggle to create a new one. I will be the first to admit that the religious group that I used to identify with was not a healthy identity. I created that identity because it was expected of me and because questioning those beliefs would ostracize me from family and friends. I would have been without a support group. But discarding that identity is still a huge struggle. Luckily now I have M as my support and I only hope that I reciprocate in kind for him. He comes from a similar background, and while our views on marriage might be a bit different, we create a great team. I feel that I should add that my sister and friend are also a part of this support group, but given the fact that they both live in entirely different states than I, it's difficult to relate specific issues as they arise, especially in context.

 

I just hope that one day I can look at myself and see a person that lives honestly and that can identify as an individual without the need for superstitions and faith to hold me up.